More often than not, children who have been through foster care or adoption struggle to trust others after surviving neglect, abuse, or abandonment. Earning their trust is not an overnight or easy process, so foster or adoptive parents at home need to know this: You won’t make it happen overnight, and that’s okay.
There is not necessarily a right or wrong way to build trust with foster and adoptive children; however, experience can often be the best teacher.
In this blog, we take lessons from our experience and what the experts say to explore the three pillars of successfully building trust with foster and adoptive children: communication, consistency, and patience.
Communication
Poor communication or a lack thereof from parents can have multiple negative consequences on the health and development of any child. When communicating with your child, you should always approach them comprehensively and appropriately for their age, emotional maturity, and level of comprehension.
Many children are mistaken for being ready to discuss sensitive topics due to having high levels of intelligence when, in reality, they need more time to mature emotionally. On the other side of the coin, families with older foster or adoptive children may not realize that they’re oversimplifying their communication, which can seem patronizing.
If you’re unsure about whether your child grasps what you want to tell them, have conversations and listen to what they are saying when they are communicating comfortably. Watch how they communicate, and meet them where they are.
Consistency
The consistency you give to your child tells them whether or not you are trustworthy. Your kid does not need to think you are perfect, but they must know they can depend on you. You can only prove that by putting genuine effort into being consistent in their daily lives as a reliable provider/caregiver and an honest role model.
The consistency aspect of being an honest role model can be especially tricky. Think about how children have a natural instinct to mirror or “look up to” the behavior of influential adults in their lives. For example, if you use foul language around your child, you can’t expect them to have a perfectly wholesome vocabulary.
There’s no quicker way to destroy bonds of trust with your children than by confusing them with unfair condemnation. The best chance you have of avoiding this obstacle is by being mindful and intentional about your words and actions around your child, especially during their formative years.
Temper Expectations
As we mentioned previously, you won’t be able to make your child trust you: You can’t just force it, and it won’t turn out well if you try. Temper your expectations and patiently prepare for some challenges.
It’s common to see newly placed children display argumentative, avoidant, rebellious, and disrespectful behavior when adapting to a new family environment. They’re potentially grieving separation from previous family or friends as a cause or result of their placement in foster care.
However, you can rest assured as you embark on this journey with your foster or adoptive child, your child does not expect you to be, want you to be, nor even need you to be a perfect parent—both of you already know there’s no such thing. Just remember to be patient, consistent, and communicative.
Our mission at the Children’s Home is to provide a loving, Christian home to children who are hurting or struggling with life’s challenges or troubled domestic situations. If you feel led to bless our home and ministry with gifts of support, please consider making a donation. If you’d prefer to learn more about our cause, check out our other blogs.