Remember the Cleavers?
Or the Waltons? Or even the Brady Bunch?
Have you ever stopped to consider what those iconic television shows did to your perceptions of family life? While most people know and understand that television does not always accurately convey a particular topic or situation, our opinions and ideals are often based on what we see on those television shows. When people think of what a family is “supposed” to be, they generally think of a two-parent, two-kid, dog, and a white-picket fence scenario that harkens back to the 1950s. And even though we realize that families don’t always look like that there is still a part of us that grieves when we don’t look that way, ourselves.
Now imagine being a child in that situation. Picture the sorrow that comes with knowing that when you go home your parents or siblings aren’t going to be there. Try to imagine what it feels like to explain to someone that you don’t actually live with your family, whom you only get to see them once a month or only talk to them on the phone.
Often times, children in foster care or non-traditional living arrangements go to great lengths to hide the fact that they do not live with their biological family. This is done in part to disguise the grief or hide the shame they feel because they are not as normal as they believe they should be. Some children even refer to their foster parents as their parents in order to prevent prying questions. They habitually feel disconnected from their peers and unable to relate to others who are not in the same situation. They do not believe that anyone could possibly understand how they feel if they had not been through similar events in their lives.
It is a sad reality that children also frequently assume the blame for their circumstances despite having no control over them. These children believe that if they had behaved better, not gotten sick, gone to school, stayed home, or had just been different in general that they would have been able to stay with their families and their lives would be so much better. Furthermore, children tend to believe that everything will be better once they are able to go home—a possibility that does not always manifest.
When a child realizes that he or she will not be returning to their family of origin or that their out-of-home placement is lasting longer than anticipated, the reactions can be varied but are almost always intense in nature. Feelings of anger, depression, apathy, distrust, and anxiety are common and can be difficult for children to cope with, particularly when they believe that they no longer have a support system—when they feel like no one wants them.
And this is where we can learn a lot from those old shows. One of the greatest things that family television has done is to emphasize the need for compassion and patience when dealing with children. Especially when those children have experienced any kind of trauma or distress. Providing a loving and supportive environment is as essential in assisting children in learning how to cope with their circumstances as providing structure and discipline.