If you’re a parent or guardian, you want your child or children to know they’re loved without a doubt. It’s well-documented that unconditionally loved children have the best chances of developing a positive outlook and high self-esteem.
Still, you might wonder if a child feels loved by you. The key to ensuring a child feels and reciprocates love is thoroughly understanding how children learn that they’re loved.
How Children Learn That They’re Loved
To ensure a child knows that they’re loved, you need to speak their love language and respect the boundaries of their attachment style—that’s how children learn that they’re loved.
Love Languages
Dr. Gary Chapman recognized that there are five main ways people prefer to receive love and express love, called “love languages”: Touch, Acts of Service, Giving Gifts, Spending Quality Time, and Speaking Words of Affirmation.
Although Chapman initially developed the concept of love languages to help married couples strengthen bonds by sharing their love in the ways most meaningful to each other, you can apply it to show love and strengthen bonds in any type of relationship—platonic, romantic, professional, or between family members.
If a child’s love languages are touch and spending quality time (most people have more than one), they will likely enjoy curling up on the sofa to watch a movie with you. If it’s most meaningful when you say words of affirmation, they want you to tell them you love them, praise their accomplishments, and say you are proud of them. Making a child a great breakfast every morning or driving them to school may be ways to show a child love if their love language is acts of service.
Not sure what a child’s love language is? Observe how they respond to being shown love according to the five love languages. If a child isn’t much of a snuggler, then their love language is probably not touch. If they enjoy alone time, try to give them space; they may prefer to spend quality time as a pair rather than in a larger group. A child’s love language usually goes hand in hand with their attachment style.
Attachment Style
John Bowlby’s attachment style theory posits that each person’s ability to form relationships (of any kind) and trust and bond with others throughout their life directly depends on the relationship between them and their most trusted caretaker when they were an infant.
Secure attachment is optimal, which develops when infants have consistent, comforting touch, attention, and care from their primary caregivers. Children who develop other attachment styles, like avoidance or fearfulness, have more difficulty learning that they’re loved and how to love. Still, all children deserve to be shown love in the way that suits them, even if it is hard for them to trust or open up.
Besides, attachment styles are not always predictive of love languages. Even if a child has a secure attachment style, it’s still possible that touch is not their love language; once they learn to walk, they may never stop to cuddle again! It doesn’t mean they don’t trust or love you: It just doesn’t suit their personality. They may still love a high five or hug!
Why All Children Should Know They’re Loved
Every child should know they are loved and that someone loves them. A child who grows up with a stable home life, plenty of attention, and proper care is likely to have stable relationships with people they love and trust. Unfortunately, many children don’t have this privilege.
Many of our residents at the Children’s Home are survivors of neglect or abuse during their formative years, with little to no good examples of unconditional love. When they come here for refuge, they feel unworthy of love and struggle to understand it. However, we love everyone and show that love by giving residents stable, loving home lives with supportive house families. We strive to speak each other’s love languages, and teach what it means to be loved and show love.
Our ministry at the Alabama Free Will Baptist Children’s Home depends on the generous gifts of our donors. Please consider donating to help children and teens have a loving, stable home, and learn more about our mission on our blog.