Tug of War and the Foster Care System
Tug of war —a game with two players jostling back and forth desperate, to pull the middle flag over the threshold to be declared the winner. It is a game in which you have control over your opposing player. To be the victor you must focus only on pulling your side the hardest. Letting go and giving up will only result in a loss.
In foster care you have the child, the system, the biological parent, and foster parents who all step up to their side of the rope and pull.
And they pull.
Any person, no matter whose team they are on, could walk away as the winner, or vice versa. It is a battle of persistence and endurance.
Each team gives their last bit of strength and pulls again. Each time a different result could occur.
Both sides of the team want a win, a victory. But this time something different occurred. Both sides found themselves on the ground still holding on to the rope. But the rope that is supposed to be strong and sturdy has split because of the pulling and strength of both sides.
Of that, no one won. Not one side walked away happy of the outcome. No side got what they were fighting so hard to get.
That is an unfortunate ending in tug of war-the same thing often happens in foster care.
In foster care we navigate through goal changes and uncertainty. In foster care we attach ourselves to children, release ourselves from children, prepare ourselves for the goodbye, and then stay when the goodbye did not come.
We have temptation to pick up either side of the rope and pull again.
There will be times where you feel like part of team. At other times you will feel unheard and thrown to the side. You may sometimes feel like you are the only one who even still sees the importance of why we were playing tug of war in the first place.
The child.
And you will be confused because foster care is confusing. For everyone involved. Real life is messy and an uphill battle.
So, where do we go from there? What do we do with the confusion? Picking up the rope again is always an option. Although this option does not always bring you clarity, because the confusion, anger, hurt, and bitterness still are there.
The book of Habakkuk offers us another option.
Habakkuk starts with a complaint to God about his present circumstances:
O Lord, how long shall I cry for help, and you will not hear? Or cry to you “Violence!” and you will not save? Why do you make me see iniquity, and why do you idly look at wrong? Destruction and violence are before me; strife and contention arise. So, the law is paralyzed, and justice never goes forth. For the wicked surround, the righteous; so, justice goes forth perverted.
– Habakkuk 1:2-4