Let’s face it: bonding with a teen son or daughter is usually challenging for most parents, but it can be especially tough if your teenager was a teen before you adopted them into your family.
At our Children’s Home, residents are boys and girls between the ages of 6 and 18. Over the years, our house parents have raised teenagers from all kinds of life situations—including those who arrived as younger kids and grew into teens during their time here and some residents who came here as teens.
With all our experience raising teens as house parents, we have a lot of advice and support to offer families struggling to bond after adopting a teenager. Keep reading this guide for our advice on navigating the joys and challenges of adopting a teenager, particularly about connecting with them.
How to Bond After Adopting a Teenager
Find Fun Activities to Share
Bonding, at its core, is about making good memories together, but it doesn’t always have to be meaningful or intensely emotional. Sure, you want your child to know how much they mean to you, but you have to ease into it.
You can’t kickstart your relationship by asking them to divulge their beliefs and philosophies about life. You want to start with some good old-fashioned fun!
Some teens are thrill seekers and would have a blast with you at an amusement park, while others who are more temperate would enjoy watching a cool new TV show with you or cooking a family recipe together. No matter what fun activities you enjoy sharing, make room in your life to keep creating fun memories together to strengthen your bond.
Take Interest in Their Interests
Finding a fun game or movie to enjoy with your teenager is one thing, but truly connecting with them requires showing genuine interest in what they care about. It’s important to support their interests and demonstrate that you value their passions.
If your teen seems to know a lot about something they’re interested in, they’d probably love to tell you all about it. For example, if your teen likes a particular band, ask them which songs are their favorites and which ones they recommend you listen to as a new fan. Then, make sure you actually listen to those songs. You’ll have something else to talk to them about, and they’ll see you weren’t pretending to care.
Establish Permanency
Nothing makes an adopted teen struggle to bond with their adopted family quite like the (perceived) threat of being separated after making a connection. Usually, adopted teens have a history of being neglected, abused, and/or abandoned by their biological family, previous foster or adoptive placements, or a combination. Unsurprisingly, this often leads to trust issues and fear of abandonment.
To bond with your adopted teen, show them that they’re chosen, welcome, and will never be abandoned again. Some ways you can do this is by giving them a reliable schedule, showing up for them when you say you will, keeping promises, and giving them time to realize the chaos of moving from place to place and family to family has finally ended.
Remember That Respect Is a Two-Way Street
As a parent, your child needs to respect your authority. However, you will not be able to bond with them if you don’t show them the fairness and respect that all people deserve and that all kids need to grow into well-adjusted adults.
Show that you respect your teen’s rights to think for themselves and make choices by:
- communicating clearly
- giving them a fair amount of space and privacy when they need it,
- avoiding triggering topics of discussion and social situations,
- knowing their (reasonable) boundaries and not crossing them,
- and letting them make choices for themselves whenever it is appropriate.
For example, if your teen says they don’t want to talk about their biological family, try to avoid asking about them unless it is necessary (i.e., needing to know some health history in the event of a medical emergency). As long as you support and embrace their timing, your teen will tell you all about them when they’re ready.
Struggling to Bond with Your Adopted Teen? You’re Not Alone
There’s no one-size-fits-all hack for bonding after adopting a teen because no two people are the same. You are raising a uniquely and wonderfully made person in one of the most—if not the most—confusing stages of their life. It’s okay not to have it all figured out; being a perfect parent is impossible.
Besides, you are not alone; our house parents and thousands of families worldwide, just like you, are doing their best to give adoptive and foster teens the best lives possible. Even in the face of obstacles like having yet to bond. Do you know what else you have in common? Strength. Adopting a teen and raising them right takes guts, and we commend you for your courage!
For more support and advice on bonding with your adopted child or other challenges following adoption, please reach out to us today. With judgment-free love and compassion, our staff at the Alabama Free Will Baptist Children’s Home is here for you, and we’re so glad you found us here on our blog. Thanks for reading!