You adopted your child when they were a baby or toddler, so they have no memory of it. At some point, your child will discover they were adopted—but when is the right time? And what’s the right way to do it?
Over the years at the Children’s Home, we’ve seen many approaches to talking about adoption with adopted children. Today, we’re here to impart that wisdom to you; keep reading this blog for guidance on how to have this important, sometimes difficult, conversation.
Who Should Tell Them?
You may wonder if a counselor or some other specialist would be the best person to deliver the “you’re adopted” news to your child. However, YOU are the best person to talk about adoption with your child for the first time.
When children discover they’re adopted, they usually have mixed emotions about biological parents and lots of questions like: Why didn’t they want/love/keep me?
Those feelings of abandonment may only be amplified for your child if someone other than you is the one to tell them they were adopted. Your job as the adoptive parent is to be the one talking about adoption with them the first time so you can also make sure they understand the story of their adoption and reassure them that you love, care for, and hold them in your heart as your biological child, and always will.
When Should I Tell Them?
“Why don’t you look like your mommy?”
Kids begin recognizing patterns of similarity and dissimilarity among the faces they see as young as four months old, so these questions are innocent and natural for a child to ask.
However, being asked that by a classmate on day one of kindergarten would be a harsh way to plant thoughts about adoption in your child’s head. That’s why, for most adoptive families, the sooner you start talking about adoption with your child, the better.
Because of this scenario, many believe the best time to tell them is on the first day of school. The reality is that your child could have already begun to figure it out or learn from Sunday school, daycare, a sibling or cousin, something they read, or what they heard while watching cartoons.
It is even harder to control who will tell your child they’re adopted or the way it will go if you don’t start having talks as early as possible in a way they can process.
How Should I Tell Them?
How you begin talking about adoption with your adopted child matters just as much as when.
Ultimately, your message will be the same, no matter your child’s age or personality: You’re adopted, but we, your parents, love you just the same as if you weren’t adopted; you are one of us, and we are proud and thankful to be your family.
Still, some ways of conveying that message are better than others.
Don’t Keep Your Child’s Adoption a Secret From Them
In our experience, the healthiest approach is never to keep the fact that your child is adopted a secret from them.
Communicate with your child from the very beginning that they were chosen (by you) and that their biological parents didn’t “give them up.” Instead, convey the truth: that your child’s biological parents cared enough to ensure they get to grow up in a healthy, stable home environment that they themselves couldn’t provide.
Communicate With Your Child at Their Level
You can’t just explain the complexities of your child’s adoption in its technical terms to them if they’re not even five years old. Speak to them at their vocabulary and comprehension level, using words they can understand, and offer plenty of room for questions.
Regardless of the terms you use, you must be sure that however you convey the message to your child, you deliver it in a positive, uplifting, and stable voice they find soothing. If you are overly emotional, serious, or visibly nervous, your child may misinterpret what you say as “bad news.”
Also, remember that you don’t have to (and, depending on your child’s age, can’t) explain everything at once. As long as they know being adopted is nothing to feel bad about, and that you are the one to talk to and ask questions about it, then you can save more details for when they can comprehend it.
Find More Support for Talking About Adoption
Thank you for reading today’s blog; we are glad you found us here.
Whether you’re an adoptive parent seeking support in talking about adoption with your family or know a family facing similar challenges, please reach out to us today. With love and compassion—and without judgment—our staff at the Alabama Free Will Baptist Children’s Home will gladly offer their support according to your family’s needs.