When a family goes through a separation, loss, or a period of instability, the children have no control over what follows. Even though adoption is a beautiful thing, the stories of adopted children often begin with these types of situations—those of anxiety-provoking uncertainty.
The holidays—especially Christmas—can be a particularly anxious time for adopted children, especially early on in their lives with their adoptive family. We’ve seen it firsthand, time and again, at our Children’s Home, when residents spend their first Christmas season here or leave to spend Christmas with their adoptive families for the first time.
In today’s blog, we’re sharing essential advice on understanding your adopted child’s holiday anxiety and how to approach it with love and empathy.
Adoptive Families’ Tips for Navigating Holiday Anxiety
Have Patience + Empathy at All Stages of Healing
Adapting to change and healing from trauma is never linear, especially for children; this rings true when approaching adopted children’s holiday anxiety.
Usually, the first holiday season with their family is the roughest for a newly adopted child, even more so if they are old enough to remember previous ones. It’s often a case of just warming up to it, which can sometimes take a couple of years. However, that is not the case with every child.
Even if your adopted child may have done well last year, celebrating the holidays in your family, they may not have the same amount of holiday cheer or eagerness to participate the following year. Perhaps they weren’t old enough last year to realize that their family, and therefore the holidays, aren’t and never will be what they once were. Maybe they have started to miss their former foster placement or biological parents. Or possibly, they were just trying their best to force a smile last year, but this year, they just can’t bring themselves to.
Regardless of the rate of your child’s progression toward healing and having a positive outlook on the holiday season, be patient and have empathy. That’s the best you can do. Trust us, there’s nothing that will make your child dread the holidays quite like feeling like they aren’t living up to your expectations.
This brings us to our next piece of advice.
Don’t Force Participation
Yes–you’re the parent, your children are supposed to obey what you say, and it shouldn’t be the other way around. Still, think about how it would feel to live in trauma and fear because you’re never allowed to make choices for yourself that would prevent it. Adopted children in particular often have anxiety because, all things considered, they have gone through so much and have no control over it.
An adopted child must gain a sense of agency and autonomy to overcome anxiety and heal. Does that mean you have to be a passive or pushover parent? Of course not. It just means that, within healthy and appropriate bounds, you can give your child the freedom to make their own choices about some things.
In the context of holiday anxiety, giving your child agency and autonomy by allowing them to make decisions means encouraging them to participate in your family traditions and festivities, rather than forcing them to do so, by offering them the choice to opt out (when possible).
Although you might not be able to leave your adopted child at home alone when the rest of the family is going ice skating, you can let them say no to small things, like decorating the tree or wearing festive clothes. Sure, it’s nice for everyone to have fun together, but it’s not so much fun if one of the kids just isn’t interested in the activity or has an emotional or anxious aversion to it.
Embrace Nostalgia and Sentimentalism
Suppose your adopted child has a special memory from a previous holiday, maybe with an earlier kinship care, foster placement, or biological family. In that case, it can be encouraging to recreate that experience for them. Just be sure to check with them that it won’t trigger their anxiety.
It may bring your child a lot of peace and comfort to try holiday activities that fondly remind them of what was once their home. It could be baking cookies, building gingerbread houses, or watching a favorite holiday movie. Nonetheless, as long as your child is willing, it’s worth a try for an exceptional bonding experience and the creation of new memories.
Happy Holidays, from Our Home to Yours
Thank you for reading this special holiday edition of our blog; we hope that these tips offer some guidance to help your adopted child overcome holiday anxiety. Please let us know if you need someone to talk to while your family faces challenges related to fostering or adoption at any time of year—we’re here to offer our support.
Have a blessed holiday season and a joyful new year!
—The Alabama Free Will Baptist Children’s Home
Make a Holiday Donation
If you would like to give to the Alabama Free Will Baptist Children’s Home this holiday season, please visit our donation page. Your generous gifts enable us to provide a haven of hope and healing for children facing life’s challenges and turbulent domestic situations. Donations directly support their care in daily life, including clothing, food, personal care items, school supplies, and everything in between.